My life as I have reflected the last 9 months, I realize that I have been unseen/unheard and mistreated.
Since childhood, I've noticed that every man that has been in my life has either abandoned me/verbally abused me or held me up by my neck as a form of punishment. A flashback came to me when I ran into my former middle school guidance counselor two days ago- when I was sitting in his office afraid to tell him what had happened to me at home. There was one man that treated me like a daughter, painted my nails, played Barbies with me..... I sometimes look at those pictures to see what I missed.
Through all of the chaos I was exposed to, I had my mother who I watched carry heavy loads of laundry through 6 inches of snow, abandoned 10 times while pregnant and still allowed that man to come back. My mom was a very unhappy person when she was raising me. I barely saw her as an early adult because I went to school during the day and worked until late at night so I could forfeit my own way.
July 21, 2009- I received a phone call at work that my highschool boyfriend passed away from a tragic car accident. I remember a coworker walking me across the street to my mom's apartment.... I fell into my mother's arms and sobbed. I got into my car and drove to Nick's favorite spot; Buster's Billiards....but he wasn't there. It wasn't a lie. I sat in the mix of other people, as an angel walks in and bends down in front of Nick's mom and says, I was there with your son the night he died. And just like that, she was gone.
Fast forward to 2010.... My mom kicks me out of the house in the middle of a snow storm. Crying and scared, I packed as much as I could to the ceiling of my car and took off to now my husband's in-law apartment (my source of toilet was a bucket, heat was heating up rocks in a toaster oven, and my shower was going down to his mother's if she wasn't intoxicated- but I had to walk through huge piles of horse shit to get there). I traveled a half hour to work as a housekeeper, which caused me a lot of trauma and contributed to my ocd tendencies.
July 2011, I bought my first home at the age of 20.... Without literally any help or housewarming party.
A lot of chaos and arguing occurred in my home. Yes, I had intense OCD rituals that seemed absurd to others. My anxiety felt like my skin was melting off from my body. I was mocked, ridiculed, called names.... Left alone to figure out counseling while trying to keep a house functioning. Dreams of a family, happiness and success felt like an uphill battle that faith could never fill. Pain was pouring out like water does a strainer. "Sickness and in health".... I thought marriage was something you were supposed to do. All the reasons why I should stay rang through my head. Guilt overpowered my soul. 2019, I ended up hospitalizing myself. "It's just chronic depression" the nurse said. Met some great people there with inspiring stories.
I've been in the ER more times than I can count for suicidal ideation (because the emotional pain from my life is too hard to live with every day)-one day the nurse couldn't get me a cab home and because I felt like a burden/and felt a lack of support...I walked home from the ER in flip flops...over an hour walk. When I finally got home, I fell into my garden next to my memorial circle of rocks that I have with my passed away loved ones names and cried as the rain fell on the back of my neck.
Ran away to my grandmother's house a few times.... Extreme panic attacks would wake me up early in the morning. Even hugging a pillow to my chest wouldn't take it away. I would walk down to the corner store and sit while I wrote my first book, Healing The Light Within Me: My Inner Child.
Worries of dying, my family dying.... I had my first out of body experience. I was sinking into spirituality and felt more connected with the earth but felt like I was dying; emotionally. I was grieving a life that seemed so far out of reach.
I wrote my second book when I got back home called, Chasing Fireflies. It reminded me of sitting on the back of my grandmother's swing and fireflies lighting up the sky, because one night I had been sitting out there crying so hard it felt like my bones were breaking.
Arguing still occurred in my home, the drinking still occurred..... Everything felt like mechanical and my feminine energy was diminished. My anxiety high, afraid to shower and be trapped in a shower. Feeling trapped in a box in my own thoughts. Lost the spark in my eye. Feeling like I need to run but not certain where to run to.
Reacted to a trigger turned into being placed in a headlock and dragged through shattered glass from a picture frame I threw after being put in a headlock.
I spent my 31st birthday last year in the middle of the winter, laying down next to Nick at his grave, crying because I felt like he was the only one there. On my drive home, there were three shooting stars. The year previous, my mom attended my party that I threw for myself and spent the majority of the time on her phone.
Now, left with a house that belongs to two people. Guilt from calling the police. Now, dying on the floor wrapped in Nick's jackets, noone there to comfort me. Pastors would say just listen to gospel music and all you need is Jesus...but I was still dying on the floor. I lost Nick's mom, my great grandmother, my cousin Matt and my Gram Betty, and the dog in just a short three years.
A kind man offered to take me for a ride to get me out of the house because my quality of life was not good. I hesitated...so he talked to me on the phone from my driveway. Fast forward, I left my house with three outfits and left everything I owned behind. I stopped driving, I was fighting survival. Everything was a blur, living out of bags.... "For sickness and in health"?.
Still the same selfish parents, running into other families that had the support that I so desperately needed and questioned how I was any different.
Wednesday I have court against my legal husband and I am scared. Scared because I haven't talked to him in over a year....it's not a matter of just sell the house, do this/do that...again, misunderstood. I have explained my story a million times over and I'm just truly exhausted and have had such a difficult time processing any of this.
I know that through all of this, it's been an eye opener about who really is there.
God said to pick up your mat and walk, but I'm not certain that he said to go without love & support along the way. This earth, does not feel like home.